As long as

As long as he leaves me alone
I´ll be strong
As long as he is gone
out of my life
I know I am not wrong
He can break my heart
over again
He can crush me apart
I´ll stand up, no pain
Life is love
but love´s not life
like a free little dove
I´ll fly through the night
As long as he leaves me alone
I´ll be allright

Oh Mother

Dear moon hear me
as I cry this silent cry inside
Pretty stars, don´t fear me
My ugliness fades
as the night comes alive
I measure my tigh,
too big,
too broad,
too fat
I pull in my waist
knowing it´s not thin enough yet
I have a long way to walk
before the sunlight will shine
I have a sad song to sing
maybe then my madness will die
I pray to you mother please save my soul
Lift me up and take me in
help me reach my goal

Lyrics by Pink

"Long Way To Happy"

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Please

Are you aware of the fact that you are hurting me more this way? By just ignoring me, tells me that I am worth nothing. Remember how you told me about those other girls, and how you used to treat them...you are treating me the same way now and I know I am not worth that. I haven´t done anything wrong, besides from the fact that I have told you I like you a lot.Please just give us a chance, I know it would work out in the end.

Hate

I hate that I love you
I hate that I care
I hate the way you make me feel
when you aren´t even there
I hate that I am clingy
and that I cannot give you space
I hate that I am needy
when all you want is a slow pace
it´s days like these when I can´t sleep
cause in my mind I think you hate me
hate the way I crave you
hate the way I care
that you hate the way I look at you
and the way I want you here
I hate that I am not beautiful
and that I´m not that smart
that I have a lot of issues
that drags me down on the chart
I just want for you to love me
give me another chance
but I guess it´s all too late now
you just don´t really care
I miss you

Please just make the pain go away, no matter how hard I try to forget it is still there. Can´t you see how much I care for you? Am I that impossible to love? I worry about you every day, dream about you at night. I never knew one could feel like this for another person but I now do. And it´s for you. Somedays I just wish you would tell me to fuck off, but I know that wouldn´t help me stop feeling like I do for you. I am not gonna say the three words cause I have never said them to anyone but it´s close. That´s how strongly I feel for you.

I wish I could just fade away...

What´s the point in me being here, when nothing goes the way I have planned. That´s the line I wake up to every morning, it follows me through the day and it´s the last thing I think before I fall asleep at night. I just wish I could be happy. I smile because it is expected of me to smile, inside I cry. I cry because of many things but mostly because no one ever seems to love me. I just seem to be this person that is incapable of being loved...
so I wonder why I even try.

I crawl into fetal position
not because it makes me feel safe
it´s the only position that can make me little, tiny
I wish I was thin and beautiful
then maybe you would want me
all I want is for you to tell me you have changed your mind
you´ll take me back
that I am worth it

Done with recovery

I wish I could be as thin as this girl...I will be, hopefully by the end of the summer. I am done with recovery, they can just shuffle that somewhere cause I am not doing it anymore. NO MORE!

I am sick of being this fat. From now on...it´s a different kind of tune that will be playing in my house. It´s called excersice, excersice, excersice...

The Devil in me

found an old poem I had written thought i would post it. Makes me remember things I amost had forgotten. I am not worthy of love. I don´t deserve to be loved, so why would you ever want me.

The Devil In Me

A new day and everythingis nothing like yesterday
I look out the window and I remember what acts
I allowed you in my heart to play
The rainy day last august
when you held my hand and cried
I never once realized it was just
another one of your lies
You filled my head with stories
stories from a non existing past
You killed me all so slowely
making sure my insecurities would last
A lifetime being a girl
I never got to know
I sit here in the limelight
and I don´t know where to go
Mirror in my pocket
but a stranger staring back
keychain in my locker
all the rest of my life I lack
I try to sound happy
I smile to make you laugh
But deep inside I hide my paint
he one thing you can´t have
Help me escape from this jailcell
I cannot take much more
Put her picture on the milkbox
save her from being this sore
Kill this devil inside of her
Kill me

Wrote a song

I wrote a song today, and it wasn´t even suppose to be about you but somehow it ended up that way anyways. Kinda funny really. I try my best not to think about you but I still do. I have so much to tell you and still I am not allowed to talk to you. Makes me sad. I miss you.

From the song I wrote:

I don´t wanna feel like I´m stranded
hopeless, abandoned, lost without a trace
I don´t wanna spend my life wasted
hungry, amazed and deprived of my face
There are moments when my mirror lie
and I flee
there are seconds when love dies

I don´t wanna spend my life jaded

Today I realized, I don´t wanna spend my life jaded...I wanna be able to smile again, but not bacause of a boy...just because of me myself and I. I wanna be happy for being me. I wanna think that I am good enough to be loved, that I deserve to be loved. I really hope I will be able to find that place somewhere. Right now it seems so far away. Everyone leaves it seems like. Carrie Underwood has a good song that I need to listen to more often I think.

"Wasted"

Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Another glass of whisky but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.

Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while

Hey, yeah,
Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Yeah, yeah
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

by Carrie Underwood.

She is right about what she says but how to get to that realization I have no idea. Especially right now...I hate my feelings. Why do I like him so much.

He´s gone

she stares out the window
looks after his car as he drives away
he´s gone now
his sent on the pillow is no longer there
it´s gone now
she cries
these are tears he cannot see
but still she knows he is aware of them
feelings got in the way
it was not suppose to end like this
but it did
she walks down the road, alone
his hand is not there to hold her
his arm is not there to warm her
he´s gone
she´ll miss him
more than he will ever know
it was not suppose to end like this

I´m lost

Today I sit in silence
nothing left to say
I cry tears of unhappiness
it´s not just another day
Yesterday I was haunted
run down by demons
killed
love that I had left, vanished
my soul is soar, weak, and betrayed
eyes are staring blindly out into the sky
I hide
Nothing left to say or do
I lost what I had found

I press the blade against my wrist
whishing I had the courage to press hard enough
blood dripping down my arm
not deep enough
I see the lines form a pattern
a pattern of a lonely soul
a broken heart left to rutten
a page torn out from a book
gone
closed

Yesterday

What goes around, comes around. And damn did I have it coming last night. Stupid me for asking stupid questions. Don´t even know if you are reading this but if you are...sorry I wasn´t thinking...again.
Don´t know how I always screw things up, it´s like it´s in my blood or something.

Everything I do
Everything I say
has nothing to do with me
Everything I am
everything I am not
is a reflection of a hunger
I so deep and utterly have lost
This deformaty that is my soul
is acheing in my heart
this pain inside the voice I speak
is tearing me apart
I long for a moment in time
when forever really meant forever
and never never really existed
Black and white doves outside the window
left a red rose on the carpet
now in dust of morning glow
I cry a silent tear
I cry it out so clear

A broken promise

A day spent of thoughts caught up in my head. My mind is so blurry these days, it scares me.

A broken promise kept me up all night
made me remember why we were a lie
all the reasons why it´s over
showed up in my mind again
A fairytale with a broken line
torn pages
messed up inside
made me remember the reason why you and I are through
I sigh
There is no way we can ever go back
I can never see that smile upon your face again
it´s over
I don´t know what made us go off track
what I do know is that I miss you
and that I want you back
A broken promise kept me up all night again.

...

I wish this day could just start all over again:( It´s been one of those days when all you wanna do is go back under the cover and just forget about everything. I knew when I woke up this morning that it would be a day like this. GAAAAAAAAH! I hate these days.

I wonder what it is I have done wrong
why do you wanna leave me
I wonder when I will notice that you´re gone
will it be too late that day
We could be so good together if you just would trust in me

I wonder when a day is so bad that it will actually start all over again by itself cause faith realizes this is not how it can end. Or is this how it is suppose to end? In that case I quit. I quit everything I have worked so hard for, none of it is worth it then. Why did I even bother, now look at me...all flubby. I miss my old body so much.

Living a lie

You ask me how I am
I smile and say okay
You smile back content
that´s what you wanted to hear anyway
But I am not okay
I am drowning
why can´t anyone see that?
Why can´t they see past my fake smile
hug me
and just hold my hand
Why can´t you just kiss me and tell me
it´s okay to cry
it wont make you leave
you just want me to be honest
why can´t I stop living this lie

Panic attacks

I hate it when you´re there
everywhere I turn
laughing at me
I hate the way you make me feel
everyday I cry
for the pain when you make me burn
It´s like you´re haunting me
slowely killing me
I just want to run
but you keep me chained
I just want to hide
but you keep seeing me, I´m claimed
Help me
Save me
Make it turn away
Help me
Save me
Stop this burning, today

Rewind

Can´t we just rewind the time
to another place and time
Can´t we just take tonight
and make into yesterday
I love having you beside me
makes me feel so safe
I love feeling your arms around me
makes me stop the shake
I´m shaking today
and I miss having you here
I don´t know what it is you do to me
but I like the way it feels

A sign

I have nothing to say, nothing
all of these emotions
but they refuse to let go
I miss you I really do
but I am not allowed to am I?
I just wanna be with you
but I am not allowed am I?
Just give me a sign that everything is okay...
that you are not ready to walk away